Happy Yay It's Friday Friends,
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| Smelly Melly and Do Me, the Doe at PDF some year :) |
It's Friday, yay, so glad the weekend is almost here. I do indeed love the weekends. It's been a long week, but, not too bad of one. Looking forward to this weekend, some of my most beloved friends and one of my favorite camps, Prancing Pony, from our Burning Man regional event is hosting a local burner type event tomorrow with pirates being the theme that I can't wait to go to, good times with even better people, that's tomorrow, then on Sunday I am hosting a Fear The Walking Dead series premiere potluck which is going to be lots of fun too with great peeps, yay, plus we get a special edition of the Talking Dead before Fear The Walking Dead premieres and that makes me happy too. I miss my Talking Dead and Chris Hardwick every week. I will be doing some walker nails for Sunday and will post those then, yay :)
Today's post is not nails. I do have one mani to post later today or tomorrow of some saran wrap nails I did last night, but, not today. Today is a post about me and my life. If you regularly read my blog, you will remember me not posting much the month of April and May due to my personal life going pretty crazy for a while. I did not go into any detail on my blog other than that my life was crazy, my marriage was over and I would be getting a divorce. A few weeks ago I wrote the following and shared it on my personal Facebook and today I would like to share what I wrote with you, my blog readers and friends. This is a recount of the events in my life from those few months that things were really nuts. Here it is:
So, as a lot of you know, this past March 2015 my life went into some crazy, crazy turmoil and the ultimate heartbreak. In literally the blink of an eye, my life changed dramatically. My husband drove to Colorado to knowingly have sex with children after a six month federal sting operation targeting pedophiles. In August of 2013, our apartment was raided for child pornography images being on a computer in the home that the feds had gotten a hit off of. They seized all of our computers and other electronics and searched top to bottom thru all of our belongings looking for evidence of child pornography. They found nothing in our home as the porn was on one of Matt's computers. I felt so violated that day even tho' the feds and authorities treated me with nothing but the utmost respect, kindness and compassion that day, it still was so awful having them searching and looking thru my old childhood of innocence things such as my 4-H horse project books, my childhood photo albums, my childhood horse/cat scrapbooks, my horse and cat books, ribbons and trophies, etc. looking for child porn especially as my childhood was such a great and wholesome one, this was really hard for me to watch and experience. After this happened I truly with every fiber of my being did not think that Matt was capable of looking at these immoral, disgusting and criminal images of children. I truly and stupidly believed that we were victims of internet crime, it happens every day and the Matt that I loved and thought he was would never have done this. Time went on and we heard nothing so we both thought that was the end and we could just let that awful day go. Little did I know the truth and this secret life he was living right under my nose, he was talking to an undercover fed agent posing as a single mom pimping her "daughters" out for sex for six months, he also sent pictures of his penis to this agent online, I had no idea what-so-ever. Matt looked both me and one of my best friends in the eyes and straight up lied to us saying he had no idea how this all happened on the computer. We both believed him. A handful of other people knew about what happened and they were of the same thoughts, that Matt was not capable of this, how wrong we all were, sigh.
Matt and I did separate for 5 months from October 2013 thru March 2014. When he claimed he loved me, wanted to work on our marriage and wanted to come back home as long as I just "promised to trust him to not do anything stupid", again, I foolishly believed him and let him move back in. I didn't want my marriage to fail. I did love him after all. Things were really great the first couple of months, then Matt started to withdraw, began to treat me really badly, was just so rude to me all the time and was continually getting black out drunk or so out of his mind from drugs, so, I just put myself into my doing my nails, my blog, my family, friends and pets to avoid him and I guess looking back now, to maybe pretend things weren't this bad, I don't know. So, then he told me and several family and friends that he was going to Denver for a job interview, he was looking for a job at the time and I didn't really want to leave this area, but, thought, why not, maybe a change could/would be good for us. Again, we all believed his master lying, sigh. Then he got arrested and has been locked up since.
He's right where he needs to be and I am relieved that he is gone and that he did not have an actual victim to destroy a life. When this all happened, I was in shock and disbelief, but, somehow handled it emotionally and mentally really well. I was strong and stayed strong, I had no choice. I had so many friends and family come see me in those first days after it happened. I couldn't have stayed strong had I not had them there for me. I couldn't be alone and didn't want to after this happened. I was very stressed over how I was going to pay my rent and bills on my own all of a sudden, then Niki started a go-fund-me for donations to help, my Dad and boss gave me some money and Leslie at my work took donations to give me to help alleviate my money stresses. Thru the kindness and generosity of others, I was able to stay in my apartment, not disrupt my six cats' lives, pay all my bills and move on. I wouldn't have been able to do it on my own otherwise, so, thank you to all that helped me in my darkest time of need, it means so much and I love you all.
Those first few days, weeks to month after it happened I had so many different emotions going thru me. I went from sadness to grief to anger to despair to WTF, why me and more. I questioned alot why this happened to me and what did I do to ever deserve this and could I have been more observant and seen Matt for what he really was/is. I now know that I had NOTHING, NADA to do at all with the choices he made, he made them all on his own and he made me a victim. Matt was a very selfish person. I didn't deserve this, but, it happened, I've dealt with it, remain strong and just knew that I was going to be okay. There were alot of people really worried about my emotional health, but, I was okay and like I said, I just knew I was going to be okay. Things also happen for reasons, I see now different reasons why it happened. There's also been blessings in disguise since this happened.
One blessing was getting into the car accident, it sucked that I was hurty for a while, it happened the week prior to PDF and my car was totalled, but, at the same time, my old car was going to take a lot of money to pass inspection and I had been stressing a bit cuz' of that. My car being totalled and me getting my "new" car took away that stress and I really do love my Mercury too. It's a nice horseless carriage!
Matt also blew a good chunk of money on scratch off lotto tickets all the time, way more than I ever even knew about. He had a gambling problem too. Money is really tight for me now, but, I somehow am still doing better than when he was around to waste money, another blessing in disguise. I do plan on finding a cool part-time job soon to help with the cash flow.
As sad and heartbroken as I was I still had every intention of attending this past Spring Playa del Fuego, our local regional Burning Man event, and going to be surrounded by so many lovely beings and souls that would bring me nothing by love, joy, smiles, hugs, laughter and support and they sure did that the entire weekend. Thank you, I love you all so much. I honestly thought this past PDF was going to be a really hard and difficult burn for me being the first time in 8 years that I went without Matt. It ended up being the BEST DAMN BURN I've had in many years. It was not hard nor difficult at all like I thought it would be. This is thanks to all my lovely burner family at PDF and also a large part due to someone really amazing who has become very special to me.
I had thought and had it in my head that I would really truly become a crazy old cat lady as I really believed that I could/would never be able to ever trust a guy again, let alone love someone again and would never ever get involved with anyone ever again. I was that broken inside. Then PDF happened and that first night of PDF on "It's Only Thursday!", Casey, who I've known for many years thru PDF, came rolling into camp unloading stuff and I told him quick what had happened, then a few hours later I asked him if he wanted to be my cuddle buddy this PDF, he said yes :) I still have no idea what made me say that to him, but, I did and I am so glad I did as we've been hanging out ever since and I've now got the most amazing boyfriend (gah, still sounds and feels so weird to say that word, LOL) that treats me the way I deserve to be treated, takes really good care of me and is really such a good guy all around. He's a country boy, loves animals and we've got so much in common, it's pretty damn awesome! We have so much fun together, are really happy together and all my cats love him to pieces. I trust him one billion percent and that is so refreshing to not have a single trust issue in this relationship. I'm really thankful I have him in my life, yay. Again, things happen for reasons and those blessings in disguise.
I am staying in my apartment with my cats, have rearranged the apartment and just made it be mine and the fur babies home now. It's not hard at all to be there and I have no problem being there. There are no memories with Matt having lived there that make me sad any longer.
I see now that Matt did bring me down and caused me stress in more ways than I even realized. I am, for the first time in several years the happiest I've been for a long time. I am okay, knew I was going to be okay and will remain okay, I know it. Even with my Dad and his colon cancer and health issues, Mom getting hurt, my sister hurting her knee and me having to go to take care of the horses every day, I have no stress in my life barely at all any longer, it's so nice, I'll take it.
I get to see my horse just about every day now too and that has been great therapy for me as well along with my cats, they've really been my furry little rocks thru this too.
I have moved forward from this and will continue to move forward. I am very happy and content with the path my life has taken and I look forward to the future journeys my life's path sends me on. I know there will be bumps in the road, but, after this, I can get thru anything, I damn well better, I just know it and I will be okay, this I know.
If you got thru all of this, thank you. It felt really good to write this and just get it off of me. I still struggle with certain feelings about what Matt did, what he is and probably always will, however, it will not dominate me nor rule my life and I've learned to squash the icky feelings down pretty much as soon as they rear their negative heads up. This post is not meant to bash Matt or to talk shit on him, any negative comments will be deleted, please, just don't do it. This was not written to create negativity, this was written because I needed to write this and get it out for me and for you, my friends and love bugs.
Thank you all so, so, so much for being there for me thru all of it, I love you all so much. I couldn't have done it without the amazingly strong support system I have. I am so thankful for each and every one of you in my life!
Life is good, really good! I am happy, really happy and that is good!!!
All the hugs and love,
Smelly Melly
There you have it, the crazy that my life was for a while, pretty crazy shit, eh'. It's still hard that I even had to go thru this to begin with. It sucked majorly and was not something I ever thought would happen to me, but, it did and I am okay now and will remain okay. I am happy, living my life and moving on and that is a really good thing.
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| My horse Dusty Bucks and me :) |
Have a great rest of Friday, yay! Tonight I am cleaning a bit for the potluck and hanging out with Casey and the kitties :)
Polish & Purrs,
Melly
Have you loved your cuticles today?
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